JESUS FORGIVE ME!
My Abortion Story
This is the hardest task I have ever faced on an emotional level in my life. When I decided to have an abortion, I had know idea that twenty six years later I would write my story for all to read. At this point I know that I open myself up to judgment, but I find it a necessity to tell my story in order to maybe redeem myself and reach into the heart of others. My intentions are not only saving the life of an unborn child, but to also save the heart of a woman who might be contemplating abortion. This is a life of regret. Don't get me wrong, not regret when you have the abortion. Most women are sad but also relieved. We feel free. You see, for a month, maybe two, we have worried over what it is we should do.
A baby. OH NO !!!! How did this happen? Why Me? I can't do this! I can't afford this and I certainly can not tell my parents!!! What will he say? Will he still love me? I already have to many children, what will I do with another? These are all questions that go though our minds and we have only a short time to decide what it is we will do. That does not seem fair, does it? I mean, we are pregnant, we have a baby growing inside of us. We are an emotional mess while pregnant and we are suppose to decide what it is we are going to do in the heat of all this fire. Too often, I have heard that the abortion was the wrong choice. I know for me it was. Yes, I have struggled in my life. Yes, I had no money to raise a child and yes, I would have had big problems trying to take care of a baby, so I felt that I had no choice.
The problem back then was lack of help. Abortion was such an easy solution. No muss no fuss. Pregnant one minute with all the problems. Free the next. WHAT A RELEIF! Well, let me tell you that was a momentary feeling and from that day forward it has slowly affected my very soul and I will regret it until the day I die.
This is not a story about an abortion, this is about two abortions and two full term pregnancies. I have sat here at the computer and thought to myself, I don't need to tell the whole story, but then,what would that say about my redemption? Yes, I aborted two children and I had delivered two children by the age of twenty five. Does this make it worse for me? Yes, I think so. You see, I think most people will forgive one abortion, but two, this is something that needs to be explained. Up until a 2007, the only people who knew that I had aborted two babies, would be my mother and sisters. They love me dearly and would forgive most anything that I did. I may have confessed in a drunken stupor to someone who would listen, but they were probably drunk as well with no memory in the morning. I have some very close friends as well as my husband, who are just now learning of my secrets. Do they love and forgive me? Yes, but the shame I feel will never go away. Don't get me wrong. I have forgiven myself. I have enough faith to know that God has forgiven me. I live with my choices, and my shame will be with me forever.
My first abortion is a total blank to my mind. I have no memory of it what so ever. In fact, I had completely forgotten the time line of the two abortions. I have to explain that Dina, my daughter, at twenty-three years old and myself at 47 were talking about abortion one day. She knew that I had had an abortion and was explaining to me why she felt so strongly against abortion and I was trying to explain to her, all things are not BLACK AND WHITE. She was pushing the issue with me and explaining to me, “I , her mother, did not understand”. I thought to myself at that moment, I would have to tell her the truth. I would have to expose myself to my daughter and pray that she would forgive me. We sat in the car that day and cried. My baby girl was looking at me with such grief and compassion. I knew that one day I would do something to help her cause. I sit here today, writing my story, and pray that no mother will ever have to look her daughter in the eyes and have to go where I have been.
“Mom”, she said, “you just don't know”. I'm looking at her and say, “Dina, yes honey I do know”. Dina says, “Mom, if you could see the pictures that I've seen, you would understand”. She is so adamant, I feel that it's impossible for me to hide the entire truth to her any longer. I have to tell her my story.
Dina, after hearing my the horrid truth, did not judge me, but instead held empathy and love in her heart for me. Because of my daughter, I feel a responsibility to her, to this generation and their children. This Web Site Is Dedicated to My Daughter and the Legacy she carries on...... May God Bless All...
I don't remember much about my first abortion, so I'm going to tell you what it is I do recall. I left my husband when I was twenty years old. My son was one and a half at the time. After waiting awhile I met a man who was loving, caring and kind to not only me but also to my son. He was and is a good man. We had been dating for a few months when I found out that I was pregnant. I knew that I was not in love with this man and felt trapped. I was a bartender, I had no money and I was already struggling. What would I do with another baby? That is all I remember thinking. I know that it is really hard to believe me, but if you knew me, you would know that I tell the truth. I had an abortion in September of 1983. I found out that I was pregnant again. Same man, same circumstances. I prayed that God would do something. Prayed that he knew I couldn't afford a child and would take the baby from me. Miscarriage? Yes. I thought miscarriage would be the answer. That didn't happen and today I THANK YOU LORD, for MY DAUGHTER DINA. Now, before I go any further, I want to say that both my daughter and I believe that the Lord sent her to me and that she could have been the soul of the child that I aborted. Again, Dina has forgiven me and I love her.
Twenty five years ago I decided to have my second abortion and up until this very moment, I was never able to explain that day completely. I honestly believe God is helping me tell my story only because the confusion, or fog is clearing and now for once I see that day clearly.
I was told to strip from my waist down and to lay down on the table. A nurse came in and put a mask over my mouth. She told me to breath slowly and to relax. I was terrified. I was afraid that I would be put to sleep and never wake up. I thought I would suffocate. Seconds later nothing mattered.
I was drugged and care free. The doctor, who I had never met, came into the room. He looked at the chart in his hands, looked at me and asked, “Deborah Hutchinson”? I responded, “yes”. He grabbed his stool, positioned himself between my legs and went to work. The only words that I remember him saying to me are, “your going to feel a little bit of pain”. The sensation, I remember was terrible. I felt the tugging and sucking of the tube that was inserted into my uterus. It was My Baby being murdered on that day. The emptiness was to come. As I search my memory and try desperately to recall details of my emotions, I can tell you with certainty there was a void in me so deep, it was as though my very soul had gone missing. JESUS FORGIVE ME!
I'm sorry to say that this story is not over yet. In April of 2007, I went with Dina to her doctors appointment. We were there for a follow-up. She had been told that she was pregnant. Not only did I want to be there, but she had asked me to go and I couldn't wait to get involved with her pregnancy. When the doctor came into the examining room, she told us that Dina was approximately six weeks along. Six weeks! That is one and a half months! They had her lay down. They put gel on her belly and almost immediately we saw and heard little Ely's heart. SIX WEEKS OLD!!!! I was floored!!! At the ripe old age of 46, I had come face to face with the totality of my own actions. I broke down and remembered the image that has been seared into my brain forever back on the day of my abortion.
After the doctor picked up the bucket on the floor and took it into the adjacent room, the nurse asked me if I was ok. She told me to go ahead and get dressed. She would return in a few minutes. When she left, I could hear the doctor in the other room and asked him what he was doing. He said, “weighing the” and (I can't remember his words) . I asked him if I could see what he was doing. He told me to come into the room. I walked into a bathroom. This clinic had been a family home at one time so I was actually standing in a bathroom! When I walked in, I saw a scale, some medical tools and a bucket on the floor. There in that bucket, was a baby! Not a jumble of cells, not a mass of tissue, but the body of a tiny little baby that had been ripped from my body. A tiny, tiny baby whose HEART BEAT was never heard by his or her mother. I walked out of that clinic, never to be the same person.......