I Still Remember
It has been a little over 16 years now since I had my abortion . 16 years ago I didn't think I had a choice. The guy who got me pregnant had taken advantage of me and was of no support. Neither was my family. I felt lost and alone with no options. I went along with the abortion thinking there was no other way. The nurses were cold. They argued that I wasn't as far along as I knew I was and my baby was only a blob of tissue .
Later learned that at 16 weeks my son was rolling around, had all his fingers & toes and even eyelashes, he could even feel the pain. I can still hear the sound of the machine taking my son from me and remember the pain, both physical and emotional. There are a lot of things I remember and yet there are still things that are a little fuzzy. I was not aware that those things would haunt me for the rest of my life.
Had I known then what I know now, things could have been so much different. My son Christopher John would be here now to look over and protect is 3 little sisters. What no one told me was there is help out there, there are other options. Organizations like First Coast Women's Services who can offer support and even help with the adoption process. There are group homes that take in young girls and women give them a place to stay and help them to continue their education as well as help them find work.
I have come here not to solicit sympathy but to share with anyone facing the same decision, there are other options out there, you are not alone and the choice you make not only effects the life of a precious child but also your life. One of my strongest desires is to get the education out there. I truly feel if I understood more of what my abortion was doing to my child and how it would scar every aspect of my life from that moment on or had I seen an ultrasound to see that my son was not just a blob of tissue but a precious gift from God.I would have chosen differently.
I went so many years holding onto this deep dark secret in fear that if anyone found out they would truly hate me. How could they not, I hated myself. I struggled in bonding with my children for fear that I would lose them too and it would hurt too bad. I still struggle with my self esteem and self worth. Situations that are out of my control cause anxiety , and at times make me bitter toward those I love.
For the women who have had an abortion and can relate to the pain, fear and loneliness I have gone through there is help for you as well. It was about 3 years ago that a dear friend told me about Rachel's Vineyard. They offer a weekend getaway to truly face your abortion and begin the healing process. I say begin because healing doesn't just happen in one weekend. Someone once told me that healing from an abortion is a lot like peeling back layers of an onion. There are so many layers to go through and I can tell you I'm still peeling back the layers. I began my healing process a little over 2 years ago with my weekend retreat with Rachel's Vineyard and the Forgiven & Set free bible study.
Through First Coast Women's services they helped me to begin and continue through the healing process. I learned that Satan wants us to keep things in the dark so we can't receive the healing that God offers so freely. Once I realized this, there has been no looking back. I have been Forgiven & set free :) I share my story every chance I get, each time I tell my story it changes just a little , I remember more and God heals me a little more. It is still hard to re-live these memories, and quite nerve wracking going in front of so many and admitting what I did so long ago . But if just one woman chooses life or just one woman finds the healing I have , then it is worth it. Amen