In Much Loving Memory,
My name is Jennifer and I am 44 years old. I write this first as someone who has taken full responsibility for my actions against the Lord and against my children. I write this as someone who still struggles with sorrow on different days and shame that wants to creep in, but saying that through Christ and the process of sanctification and drawing close to Him I continually learn to overcome those feelings and thoughts. We are more than conquerors through Him who loves us and died for us, including our shame. I write this as someone who hopes sharing my story other places will maybe prevent others from destroying their children and themselves and being deceived by this idea you can be a Christian and kill your children. Finally, I write this wanting to thank those who really believe the church needs to be watchdogs of justice for the innocent and confront sin and being people who will find out, how you are doing spiritually instead of saying nothing to you. I write this as someone who wants to share that beauty can come from ashes that you make out of your life.
I grew up as one who "asked Jesus Christ into" my heart at the age of 6 and was baptized as confirmation that I was a "follower of Christ", attended Bible camps, VBS, Sunday school, youth groups, had a knowledge of God and read my bible every day into my middle 20s, had many Christian friends and later sat under a church that did Sanctity of Life Sunday every year but never preached on the sin of abortion. Or any sin for that matter. a "religious building" maybe they should have been called with a Jesus that is not the Jesus of the Bible. I was the average "good" Christian girl who never went out of her way to cause too much trouble or knowingly hurt people. this of course was done in my own strength and because I was young and had a good family, it was not too difficult at the time. I began doubting my faith when I was nearly a teen and following into the temptation of going with my desires. My first boyfriend was allowed at the age of 14, because he was a "good Christian young man" and that was when my troubles began.
Sex was never talked about, only in the context of "You don't do that until you get married." which in my mind, I agreed with for a time, but was never given a solid foundation to build on as to the real reason why it was wrong. The sin of fornication was never addressed in my home or at church and the very ones who should be addressing it don't. The church beat around the bush on a lot of topics and sex is just one of those that is something you don't talk about in good company. Fornication leads to abortions in most cases. Those who DO address sin are a minority. Girls who turned into women like me are not. They are a majority which sits under the authority of both their parents and church leaders and are not given a high standard to follow and aren't really taught to follow God with all their heart. Most churches do not teach about the true God of the Bible. They only give you a "savior" out of hell and not a Lord who has absolute control over your life. This is the "savior" that I had and that "savior" did nothing except comfort me in my sin and loved me unconditionally in my fornication and abortions.
I had my first abortion at 19 after I found out I got pregnant by the second boyfriend in my life. My boyfriend said that we could fix it and move on with our lives and said that he didn't want "it to ruin his or my life", he was going to pay for it I thought I would be "more careful" the next time. Abortion must be okay right? It's legal. I'm a Christian. God loves me. God is okay with abortion even if the church was "pro life". He loves babies and babies go to heaven right? I thought my boyfriend had my best interests at heart and because I loved him I wanted to do what he suggested. I also enjoyed my beginning stages of party life and a baby would just ruin that aspect. No way. No way was I going to have a kid I remember thinking! I could have one later. I had my abortion on a week day and went back to church the following Sunday, never telling anyone as most I knew were pro life and my parents wouldn't approve if they knew.
There is a problem when you can have an abortion and then go back and sit in a church on the following Sunday! Comfortable in your sin except that you "hide" the abortion because you in inherently that it's wrong. Where have churches gone so wrong that women can murder their children and get away with it! The one place you shouldn't be able to after having had an abortion IS THE CHURCH! I was a fornicating "Christian" who fixed her problems by killing her babies with her boyfriends' permission with no one checking to see if I was living in sin and if they knew they didn't care.
I was not left untouched by my abortion. I put on a happy face and while my party life brought me "joy" I was a very lonely individual and looking for love. I spent months crying and blaming it on the fact that I really thought it was because I lost my first boyfriend. He abandoned me when he found another girl and I blamed myself for it. I came to understand years later the reason I cried was because I was lonely, but not just for love, my heart was aching and I was lonely for the first child I killed. I did not come to face what I had done until my last abortion when I almost committed suicide.
I kept filling my life up with attractions and men in attempts to swamp out the sadness I felt. Sin does bring happiness for a time, sometimes years and then it begins to kill you and kills others in the process of killing you. I knew subconsciously that if I ever slowed down I would begin to regret my abortions terribly. I had such a hard heart and a heart that really believed she was a Christian. Christians don't kill their babies.
My second abortion was at 21 and I went on to have four others until I was 32 years old. Still hidden, still secretive and my heart grew hardened to the fact of what I had done and eventually I left the church. Part of the reason for the abortions was because I "couldn't be a mom" There was no way I could be a mom. I wasn't like some who tried to actually fill the void with another baby for the one you killed. Part of me felt completely unworthy of a child so I just kept getting rid of them and also liking that I didn't have to the responsibility. I did everything to shut out any guilt that I had, and I experimented with drugs and alcohol for the first time at the age of 25. I had no reason to be in church as I consoled my fact that I had a "savior" and by-george, I was going to heaven. I didn't need church and in one respect I was right. I didn't need church I needed a true Lord who was in control of my life. I wasn't a criminal because everyone has abortions even "good Christian girls".
Still looking for love I married a steady guy who I thought loved me again and I found myself pregnant. This man was also a Christian who ended up leaving the church but followed his pastor's suggestion to marry me because of how we had been living.
I never told him about the abortion and ended up divorcing this man, killing his child because he would have wanted this baby, and never telling him what I planned on doing.
That is when my world fell completely apart at the age of 32 because this time I chose to have the abortion entirely on my own, no one helped me decide like other times like all the other guys, and this guy was actually "okay". He never understood why I wanted a divorce. I just knew I couldn't have his baby. My last baby died March 1, 2002 and dates are something that never leave your mind. Fast forward time and I found myself swallowed by years of suppressed guilt and sorrow. I began drinking again and called my mom one night screaming saying I was going to hang myself for "what I did". She had no idea what I was talking about other then she knew I was intent on ending my life. I thank the Lord my mom acted quickly and called the police down on me and I ended up in the hospital for the next two months wanting to die. When I finally opened up I told my mom "I killed babies" and slumped down in the corner of my hospital room. That was very beginning of healing for me, admitting it. I began therapy and learned to "cope" with it, with depression medications and was not truly able to heal because of the lack of a true Savior and any sort of Biblical counselor.
I was still out of church and rejected the idea totally despite my parents wanting me to "faithful again". I was a "backslidden Christian" and needed to get back into the church to be right with God. I also still felt bad enough I didn't need to be around many "pro life" people. I came to almost hate anyone who spoke out more about abortion then just on Sanctity of life Sundays.
God was merciful to me and used a group of Christians who participate in mall evangelism to reach me with the true gospel. I stopped and talked with a woman who I ended up confessing my abortions to and telling her I was a "Christian" and "trying to heal" from it. She explained gently how that was impossible to be a Christian and kill your babies and because of how she spoke to me I listened to her. She explained without Christ you will always be "trying to heal" but with Jesus is it possible TO HEAL and then she hugged me! I felt worthless in her presence because she was hugging a filthy rotten woman who had killed her babies. She explained that murder was on my heart and because I was dead in my sins, this is why I did these things.
~~~~She then explained the cross that Jesus was willing to make it like the blood of my babies was nailed to His hands instead of mine being covered in them anymore even though He was perfect and never killed them Himself. ~~~~
Wow and he can do that for anyone!
That Jesus would wash me white and make me clean and I was accountable to God. He would become filthy for me and love me even though I don't deserve that love. Jesus was wounded and shamed on the cross and if I followed Him, turning from my sin, God could forgive me because of what Jesus did if I beg for mercy. That my sin would become like Jesus did everything I had ever done against Him and against everyone else. I stood there sobbing and for the first time in my life I said "I never understood it like that before".
I felt a love standing there that compelled me to turn to Christ. I couldn't explain it I just knew it was an encounter with God. Jesus took my sins and nailed them on His cross that day. He gave me a new heart that desires Him and my heart is clean because of what Jesus did. Love swallowed me and it was more then I asked for, because it was the love I had been looking for. It is always found in our Creator.
God gave me more than I deserve, when He gave me true salvation at the age of 36 and a godly husband who really loved me at the age of 39, with a daughter to follow who is now three and named Isabella (meaning devoted to God). Jesus has given me life. My husband Daniel has grieved with me and said three words over the years that helped further heal my heart: "I Love Them". I have a total of seven children. Six of which I will never know their genders or them outside of heaven. They aren't nameless to their Creator and He loved them even before I knew they existed and because they aren't nameless to Him I was finally able to give these babies names last year in spite of not knowing their gender. I am able to love my children because Jesus does and because my husband adopted them as his own. I am greatly comforted that Jesus welcomes little children and says forbid them not, for such is the Kingdom of heaven. Luke 18:26.
Thank you for believing the church is at fault and needs to wake. When the church believes abortion is evil abortion will end! That will be when children are no longer murdered. When the church begins to share the real gospel and present not just a savior, but also a Lord abortion will end. That you can't be a Christian and kill your children. While individuals are responsible for their own actions the church is to be the ones who engage people in their sin and open their mouth when evil is going on! Don't put up, shut up or ever stop!
A new creation,
Jennifer, Daniel, and Isabella
In much loving memory,
Evangelina (good news. the very meaning of Christianity)
Grace (God's undeserved favor)
Mercy Joy (Compassion, forgiveness, unending joy)
Colson (triumphant people)
Giovanna (A gracious gift from God)
"The LORD your God is in your midst, a mighty one who will save; he will rejoice over you with gladness; he will quiet you by his love; he will exult over you with loud singing."
~~~"he will quiet you with his love"~~~
Also if you could keep my ex husband in prayer. After much godly counsel and prayer we sought him out and I asked forgiveness for the abortion last year. He did not forgive me. This part of my life has yet to close if ever and for him it will not healing close for a long time. Pray for grace for him to deal with the death of his child Thank you!
Praying for your ministry!
Thank you for reading the story of God's restoration in the life of one individual who deserves hell and was given grace and mercy instead for reasons I will never know.