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It wasn't just YOU

By: Amanda Flaherty Carpenter

Agony is what I suffered. Misery is what she now lives with everyday of her life. I still remember how it felt to be punctured, and torn apart before I officially died. $600. That was the amount of money she had to save up to get rid of me. With that amount I could have food, clothes, diapers, a stroller, and a warm bed to sleep in. But this is what happens each time a woman denies to nature that lovemaking is meant for reproduction...unless protected. But even then, nature is meant to do one thing, and one thing its coarse. However, in my case, nature was disrupted.

Allow me to introduce myself. I am missing person number 36,932,896. But you won't find me in the missing persons' add. Nor will you see my face on the back of any milk carton. My mother? I never got to meet her. Before I was born, she sent me back to be with the others. I can see her now, but only from a distance. I look like her, though. Same blonde hair, blue eyes, and rosy cheeks. I've got Daddy's nose. But I guess none of that matters now. As far as she was concerned, I was just a mistake, yet it was I who suffered to take it back. Funny. One minute, everything was peaceful and I could only hear her heartbeat. But I soon realized that mom's warm and cozy womb was only a deathtrap in disguise! My beautiful sanctuary had become nothing more than a comfortable holding cell where I had been marked for death. She actually paid a stranger to forcefully open her up, invading my home, and surgically remove and then discard of if I were some sort of parasite! Painful? Imagine yourself being ripped apart and then snapped in half! To put it lightly, it was torture! I wish that death on no one. But there are 36,932,895 before me who have been murdered by that same brutal method. And it happened to me the moment she fell asleep. And as she laid there, I laid there. Dead. Right in front of her sleeping eyes. I prayed and prayed that she did not wake up! I prayed to God that she did not have to wake up to see that her little child that she hardly even felt within her had become nothing more than a bloody jigsaw puzzle! Come to think of it, I don't think they even explained to her what they would do to me or that I actually WOULD feel everything that was being done! They only told her that it would all be over soon.

But why, Mommy? I know you felt alone, and you must have been scared out of your mind. But now, you've not only killed me, but yourself, too! You cry now. Everyday. It's because you feel so empty. But why? You're off the hook. I'm gone. Forever. No longer am I an inconvenience to you. Never will you have to explain to me your reasoning. But yet, you cry. So I have to ask...Why'd you do this to us? It's not like you were going to walk out of that place with a clear conscience. And it's not like you were going to forget that I ever existed. As a matter of fact, your whole life changed the moment you conceived me. So, how could you think ending my life would change it back? I love you, Mommy. But, this isn't fair! I'm not supposed to be here! You are supposed to be in the delivery room, giving birth to me at this very minute. 6:22p.m. That's the time that would be on my birth certificate. And what about my first birthday, when you would have sang that beautiful song to me? You have such a pretty voice and I was looking so forward to hearing it every night as you lulled me to sleep.

It's Thanksgiving now, and I was supposed to be helping you pass out napkins. Grandma's sitting in my seat! I wanted to sit between you both! This is all wrong! I'm supposed to be alive and well! I'm sad, Mommy. And you're not here to dry my tears and tell me everything's gonna be alright. Instead, my whole existence that had been planned by God, himself, has been completely erased from the time line. All the lives of those mine would have brushed off on, have changed entirely. But, they'll never know that the life they live, isn't quite the life they would be living...if I were only living.

It's been several years now since I died, and to this day, you still wonder, "What if?". So why, Mommy? Why wouldn't you put me first? Whether you raised me or gave me to a good family to adopt...why wouldn't you let me be born? That gift alone, I could have been grateful for...cause at least I'd be living. If only you could have given yourself time to get to know me while you were carrying me. If only you could have given yourself time to get passed the shock, you would have seen that I wasn't such an accident after all. But you couldn't wait. You wanted it over. My future was doomed! And I had no way to save myself. Nobody cared. It was all about what was best for YOU! So when they asked what you had chosen, I was killed with your permission. But whether I was an inch long or 3 feet tall, I was your baby. You had an obligation to protect me! The only person with a voice to protect me...and you used it to protect your future. A future that was still in your hands to make good! And I know you couldn't have seen yourself giving me away, but it wasn't just about your feelings if it meant plotting my death! And now because of your timeless decision to pluck me from all existence, I will never learn how a flower grows. And I will never learn how in the world fish breathe under water, or what it even feels like to take my first steps. Never will there lie a photo of me, nor will I be someone's best friend. And what about you, Mommy? You will never be watching me playing on a swing set that was never built, or building a snowman with me on Christmas Eve, and I will never grow up to experience love. And my children! And my children's children! A whole generation...all buried within the loins of my soul! Don't you see? When I died, all my descendants died with me! When I died, lives changed...and God had to go to plan B. But Mommy, it's okay. You'll never know the difference. And I do forgive you. I only wanted you to know that I wasn't just a blob of tissue or a "product of conception"! I was a person...just a very small person. I only wanted you to know... that it wasn't just YOU.

"A person's a person no matter how small"
Dr. Seuss

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